Ran across this short bit of amusement I wrote 8 years back and still thought it was pretty funny. The action--such as it is--takes place in a series of early morning texts or DMs among a group of hight school friends.
Mimi-Can't get 2 school, guys! Being held hostage by Mr. Kemmelman's big snake on my porch. 7:25 AM
John-Mine's bigger. 7:26 AM
Mimi-Shut up! I mean his real snake, Babydoll! A Burmese python. GFot out from her cage. 7:28 AM
SuziQ-OMG, is this Kemmelman guy rping you or what? What's going on!!!!???? 7:28 AM
Mimi- Sigh. See above. 7:29AM
Mimi-WTF am I s'posed to do?? 9 ft snake slithering around on my porch. No other way out. Advice, plz. 7:30 AM
Jason-I got yer snake in my pants, baby! 7:37AM
Mimi- Srsly? GUYS!!!!! 7:38 AM
K'shanna-Can you like chase it away or s'thing? 7:40AM
Rory-Yeah. Just show it your face and it'll run, bitch. 7:42 AM
Mimi-Rory, I am SO unfriending you right now, a-hole. SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT TO DO HERE??? 7:45 AM
Mimi-Bus just went by. Tried to get their attention but didn't see me. Double sigh. :( 7:48 AM
Kendra-Call a Uber and tell the Uber guy to bring a big gun. 7:49AM
SuziQ-I'd call the police and have this Kemmelman dude arrested for letting a dangerous animal loose!!!!!!! 7:52 AM
Mimi-Calm down, Suz. Kemmelman's OK. Just that Babydoll got out somehow's all. Curled up looking like a superthick garden hose rite in front of my steps now, dammit. Normally she's a sweetie when she's under control. 7:52 AM
K'shanna-Can u sneak by it while it's sleeping? 7:54AM
Kendra-Uber guy. GUN! Blow that sucker away, girl!!! 7:56AM
Mimi-I'm’a NOT kill K's snake! He'd kill ME! Or worse, he'd SUE my dad! 7:59AM
Mimi-And no, I can' t sneak by her. She's blocking everything!!!!! She's huge. Will try to upload pic here in a minute. 8:00AM
Jason-Hey, U and me. Friday. Still on? 8:05AM
Mimi-What part of CRISIS HERE do you not understand, dude? 8:06AM
Jason-Hey, I got my own crisis, k? Horny here. You playin' with YOUR snake, I'm playin' wit mine. Fap! Fap! 8:07AM
SuziQ-Ewww!!!!!!!! 8:07AM
Mimi- :/ Suddenly I'm busy every Friday from now on. Jerk. 8:09AM
Jason-Saturday, then? I can't hold out forever y'know. I got needs. 8:14AM
Kendra-Maybe the Uber guy could kill Jason instead? JK! 8:15AM
Mimi-LOL. Hmmmm...........8:15AM
Jason-HEY! 8:17AM
K'Shanna-U still there, babe? 8:28AM
SuziQ-OMG!!!!! That monster got her!!!!!!!!!!! Call the CIA!!!!!!8:30AM
Kendra-Maybe the Uber guy showed up finally????? 8:30AM
K'Shanna-She didn't call no Uber, girl. STFU! 8:32AM
Kendra-Hey my idea was better than your "sneak around the big snake" idea. Jeezle. 8:33AM
Jason-Srsly, babe. Where u b? 8:37AM
Mimi-S'ok, guys! Mr. K finally came and got Babydoll. Said he'd been out looking for her all morning. Thanks for your support. 8:44AM
Jason-U comin' on in to school, then? 8:45AM
Mimi-Hells, no! Babydoll on my porch was enough excitement for me. I'm’a call off sick and go back to bed! Nite-nite. 8:46AM
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